I still love you…

Playing with Harry it came to my mind how well he has done through all of this. I always get comments about how good he actually has been. I guess I’m guilty of getting too stressed with him and thinking he’s such a misbehaved boy, but in fact he has been brilliant throughout these months. He could have been so much more worse.
When I feel the pressure of the whole diagnosis on the odd days, I find myself shouting at Harry when he does something wrong and sometimes it could be the smallest thing he has done. I really don’t mean to. I hate that I’ve shouted at him because it isn’t his fault. He is just a 4 year old. I think Darren and myself have kind of expected him to grow up quicker than he should, and he shouldn’t he is 4 and just about to start school. I am so guilty of this. I’m sure there will be days ahead where I do get stressed with him when he’s pushing us to the limit and testing our patience, and again I will end up shouting and feeling guilty.
So, I thought writing a letter to him for him to read when he’s a little bit older would show him just how much I love him and I don’t love him any less. I think we can all get carried away when a new arrival is here and tend to forget we still have another little one to think about, who also needs their mummy. It’s the excitement. In this case, its excitement of a new arrival but the worry of her health at this moment in time. I’m not saying I forget about Harry and brush him off, I just tend to worry how Freya is, which doctors I need to call and speak to, to arrange appointments… is she too hot, is her breathing ok? Is she going to be sick after the last feed? Learning to balance it all is very difficult and I don’t think you can get it perfectly right. But which parent is perfect ay?

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A Letter to my best friend… I still love you.
Dear Harry,
I know you’re too young to fully understand what has been going on. Freya’s not been well and all the focus is mainly on her. This is my letter to you, my best friend in the world.
I’m sorry I shout at you when mummy is stressed and feeling the pressure, I don’t mean to. I’m sorry I cannot give you my full attention all the time like I used to. I still love you more than ever. I’m hoping when you’re old enough to read this you’ll understand why the pressure was so high when Freya was born.
You see, she is different to other babies and yourself. But not everyone is the same we are all unique in our own way. Some learn slower and some learn quick. Some need more help than others. Yourself, was lucky enough to be born healthy, however Freya was born with Down’s Syndrome and of course with a heart problem which you know. I will explain Down’s Syndrome to you a bit more when you are able to read this letter, as you see I don’t really know what Down’s Syndrome fully includes. Mummy is still learning.
I’m so proud of the way you have handled everything since Freya was born. Watching you with her is simply amazing and I can see the bond between you two is unbreakable.
Thank you for looking at Freya with love and like she is just like every other baby. You taught me that.
Continue to be how you are, the caring, most funniest little boy mummy knows. Every day you have made me laugh and some days you make me want to go insane. Most of all I am thankful you have taken everything so well and your behaviour could have been worse. I know it hasn’t been easy to see your little sister in and out of hospital, especially when she was born and having lots of wires coming out of her.
I guess I just want you to know how proud of you I am and that I love you so much, my special little guy! Best friends forever!

Lots of love
Mummy

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